Bill Maher

Friday 29th of March 2024

2016 Presidential primaries Presidential? They were menopausal. Bill Maher, on Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio & Donald Trump braying at each other during the televised Feb. 25, 2016, presidential primary debate  © 2016 Kwiple.com
2018 midterm elections I don't want to say the Army is being used as props, but instead of “move out,” the commanding officer now says, “Places! Places everyone!” Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, Nov. 2, 2018, on Trump deploying up to 15,000 troops on the Mexican border to stare down refugess fleeing violence in Honduros  © 2018 Kwiple.com
2018 midterm elections Trump keeps complaining the mail bomber and the synagogue shooter have hurt his election momemtum. That's his gripe. These real attacks are taking attention away from my made-up attack. How's a guy supposed to stir up hatred for Democrats and Jews when all the media reports is attacks on Democrats and Jews? Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, Nov. 2, 2018 © 2018 Kwiple.com
2020 Presidential election The [January 6th] committee did a masterful job of laying out the case [against Trump], but we live in partisan America now, so it's a little like doing standup when half the crowd only speaks Mandarin. No matter how good the material is, it's not going to go over. After all the hearings, the percentage of Americans who thought Trump did nothing wrong went up  three points. That's America now.  Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, November 4, 2022 © 2022 Kwiple.com
2020 Presidential election Now do you see why I feel like I've just been tied up by a German dominatrix who doesn't understand my safe word. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, Oct. 9, 2020, after reviewing how the Republicans in states with a Republican-controlled legislature and a Republican governor can and are planning to use their power to select the state's members of the Electoral College to appoint electors committed to voting for Trump even if Biden won the state's popular vote © 2020 Kwiple.com
2020 Presidential primaries Michael Bennet? What's his slogan? Google me? Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, May 3, 2019, on the announcement by Michael Bennet, Democratic Senator from Colorado, that he is running for president © 2019 Kwiple.com
2022 midterm elections Ben Franklin said our country was a republic, if you can keep it. Well, we can't.  And unless a miracle happens on Tuesday, we didn't. Democracy is  on the ballot, and, unfortunately, it's going to lose. And once it's gone, it's gone. It's not somethng you can change your mind about and reverse. That's gender. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, November 4, 2022 © 2022 Kwiple.com
2022 midterm elections Biden will be a crippled duck when he goes up against the 2024 Trump-Kari Lake ticket. And even if Trump loses, it doesn't matter. On inauguration day 2025, he's going to show up, And this time he's not going to take no for an answer because this time he will have behind him the army of election deniers that is being elected in four days. There are almost 300 candidates on the ballot this year who don't believe in ballots, and they'll be the ones writing the rules and monitoring how votes are counted in 2024. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, November 4, 2022 © 2022 Kwiple.com
2022 midterm elections There is an entire species of political ads on the Right where the candidate just shoots something they don't like. A lot of these ads make no mention of policy at all. It's just: Truck. Gun. Me like these things you like. VOTE ME! Bill Maher. Real Time with Bill Maher, June 3, 2022 © 2022 Kwiple.com
2022 midterm elections This really is the crossing the Rubicon moment when the election deniers are elected, which is often how countries  slide into authoritarianism — not with tanks in the street, but by electing the people who then have no intention of ever giving it back. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, November 4, 2022 © 2022 Kwiple.com
Abortion For the Republicans,  the Supreme Court is all about abortions,  to which they remain staunchly opposed  right up to the moment their mistress gets pregnant. Bill Maher, Real Time With Bill Maher, July 6, 2018, alluding to Tim Murphy, the anti-abortion Republican congressman who was forced to resign in October, 2017, for asking his mistress to get an abortion after a pregnancy scare © 2018 Kwiple.com
Abortion How's this for an ad? [for Democrats] Democrats support abortion. So do Republicans when they need one for their girlfriend. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, March 16, 2018 © 2018 Kwiple.com
Academic achievement Do you realize there are twelve-year old kids in this country who can't spell the name of the teacher they're having sex with? Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Anti-science If we get any stupider about science, we'll forget how to cook crystal meth. Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
The arts Somehow, 96% of film critics loved Top Gun  like a Catholic priest loves sleepaway camp. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, September 9, 2022 © 2022 Kwiple.com
Asslickers Bill Barr is so far up Trump's ass, he bumped into Hannity. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, May 3, 2019, © 2019 Kwiple.com
Asslickers Donald Trump could go to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and say, “Well, maybe if he'd done something, he wouldn't be so unknown,” and Republicans would be okay with that too. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, February 17, 2017 © 2019 Kwiple.com
Bad news NEW RULE: If one of your news organization's headlines is about who got kicked off Dancing with the Stars  last night, you're no longer a news organization. Sort of like, if you were on Dancing with the Stars  last night, you're no longer a star. citation Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Bad news Two opposing sides don't necessarily have two compelling arguments. Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke on that mall in the capital, and he didn't say, “Remember, folks, those southern sheriffs with the fire hoses and the German shepards, they have a point, too.” citation Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Canada Canada — it's America without the personality disorder. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, August 13, 2021 © 2021 Kwiple.com
Conspiracy theories It's not going to happen from mocking them or calling them stupid or making smart remarks like,  “If Kamala Harris really is a lizard person, why didn't she eat that fly on Mike Pence's head?” Don't do that. I'm saying don't do that.  Bill Maher,  Real Time with Bill Maher, November 20, 2020, advice on what not what to do to get QAnon followers out of their cult and over their great disappointment about Trump not being reelected  © 2020 Kwiple.com
Death Q: A:  How would you like to die? Surrounded by enemies, holding a grenade. Bill Maher, Proust Questionnaire, Vanity Fair, May, 2010  © 2015 Kwiple.com
Democrats In a lot of ways, the Democratic Party went from protecting people to protecting feelings. Bill Maher © 2017 Kwiple.com
Democrats Twitter is not America. In most of America, all they want, is to vote for someone who is not weird. Play to them and stop worrying that you're going to lose social justice warriors to Donald Trump. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Mahar, Oct. 25, 2019 © 2019 Kwiple.com
Drugs Kids, don't do heroin. It's a gateway to being Republican. Bill Maher © 2017 Kwiple.com
Drugs Stop pretending your drugs are morally superior to my drugs because you get yours at a store. Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Global warming It's like saying the sun isn't real because last night it got dark. Bill Maher, on those who think a day's cold weather or snow disproves global warming © 2015 Kwiple.com
Government Republicans tell you right out front, we hate government. Then why go into it? If you hate government, you shouldn't do it. That's why I'm not a priest. Bill Maher © 2016 Kwiple.com
Gun violence When you hear the phrase, “armed compound in a secluded rural area,” what is that – a bunch of Democrats? Is that Dennis Kucinich out there? Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Guns NEW RULE: If you give a nine-year old a hunting rifle, expect to have a hole in your head next to the one you already have. That's right, fathers are signing up their kids to win free hunting trips. Great time to find out she's pissed about not getting that doll. I'm sorry, but the first time your daughter should see a shotgun is at her wedding when she's fourteen. Bill Maher © 2016 Kwiple.com
House of Representatives  Once you've got the gig,  it's yours for life. The reelection rate for incumbents in 2020 was 95%. That's better job security than a pedophile priest. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, August 6, 2021 © 2021 Kwiple.com
Hypocrisy Of course, Democrats are screaming now about Republican hypocrisy over Trump filling the Ginsburg seat in an election year. “They said one thing when it was Obama and now they're saying  the complete opposite. How can they sleep at night?” I'll tell you how. Like babies.  Because, like babies, they have no morals. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, Sept. 25, 2020 © 2020 Kwiple.com
Leftists If what you're doing sounds like an Onion headline, stop. Bill Maher's advice to leftists, Real Time with Bill Maher, August 27, 2021 © 2021 Kwiple.com
Lies That's the great thing about having tiny hands: it makes it easier to pull stuff right out of your ass. Bill Maher, March 17, 2017 © 2017 Kwiple.com
Loneliness What is it that has made people so lonely? It's their stupid phone, which was supposed to connect people, but which studies have found has made them more lonely. It's like a vibrator designed by Mike Pence. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, August 16, 2019 © 2019 Kwiple.com
Middle class  All middle class means now is that you're poor but you don't do meth. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, Jan. 18, 2019 © 2019 Kwiple.com
Political correctness Can we please stop pointing out people breaking rules that didn't exist yet? Just grandfather in the shit you would have done if you were alive then. Bill Maher, Real Time With Bill Maher, August 9, 2019 © 2019 Kwiple.com
Political correctness My father and mother told me about civil rights. I knew what the right thing was. The difference is that liberals protect people, and P.C. people protect feelings. They don't do  anything. They're pointing at other people who are somehow falling short of their standards, which could have changed three weeks ago. They're constantly moving the goalposts so they can go, “Gotcha!” Bill Maher, New York Times Magazine, Sept. 30, 2019 © 2019 Kwiple.com
Political correctness Religions always talk about the one true religion. Now on the left we have the one true opinion. If you go against that, you do so at your peril. And that's why the air on the left is becoming stale. Bill Maher, New York Times Magazine, Sept. 30, 2019 © 2019 Kwiple.com
Political correctness Wokesight is not 20-20 and you don't have ESPCP – Extra Sensory Politically Correct Perception. Bill Maher, Real Time With Bill Maher, August 9, 2019 © 2019 Kwiple.com
Political parties America really has no left party. We have a center-right party, which I would call what the Democrats are now, and then we have the Republicans, a party that drove the crazy bus straight into Nuttown. They moved the goal posts so far to the right that what seems like the liberal point of view is really the old conservative point of view. Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Pollution Republicans who still think human activity doesn't affect air quality should poke their heads in the men's room. Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Power Power begets power. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, October 5, 2018 © 2018 Kwiple.com
Power That theme – that power begets power – should be on everyone's mind right now: the idea that when you lose power, you've not only lost that fight,  you've made it harder to win the next one. That's how power works. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, Sept. 25, 2020 © 2020 Kwiple.com
Pragmatism If you can't get the fish, eat the chicken. Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Profiles in courage Democrats are to poltical courage what Velveeta is to cheese. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, March 16, 2018 © 2018 Kwiple.com
Profits Businessmen generally make lousy political leaders because government isn't about turning a profit, it's about taking care of the things that shouldn't have to turn a profit. Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Public discourse Republicans? They're all claws, sharp teeth and fangs when they fight. The Democrats? Their weapon of choice  is adaptive coloration. “I'm a leaf. Don't eat me.” “Vote for me – I'm the same pattern as the couch.” Bill Maher, Real Time With Bill Maher, March 16, 2018 © 2018 Kwiple.com
Punt returners say Well, Bill, your mother made a choice and we are all living with the consequences of it. Katie Porter responding to Bill Maher, who said he was “squishy” about pro-choice abortion rights, while being interviewed by him on his show © 2023 Kwiple.com
Racism The first thing the Tea Party hates is being called racist. The second thing they hate is black people. Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Racism I think the younger generations have a real problem with wanting to build their identity around being a victim. They want to have racism to fight — not fight racism — have racism to fight so badly that, when it's not there, they make it up.  And there's enough real racism in the world that making up more doesn't help. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, Oct. 5, 2023 © 2023 Kwiple.com
Republican congressmen The average Republican congressman is in a safe seat with an electorate he chose himself and he's only scared of only two things; a primary opponent with more guns on his Christmas card and getting a nickname from Trump. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, January 26, 2024 © 2024 Kwiple.com
Republican Party For all of you who get frustrated because Manchin and Sinema don't vote like true liberals — because they never were — or think Trump is as bad as it's going to get, remember the first rule of modern Republican politics: they always go lower, because this party has no bottom, unless you count Lindsey Graham. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, April 1, 2022 © 2022 Kwiple.com
Resisters say We're Still Here Bill Maher © 2017 Kwiple.com
Selfie Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy. Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Young people look at him like a typewriter is running for president. Joe Biden portrayed by Bill Maher © 2019 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Freshman Colorado rep and high school dropout, Lauren Boebert, is someone you may have already thought of, if you ever thought, What would happen if Michele Bachman smoked bath salts? Josh Hawley portrayed by Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, Jan. 20, 2021 © 2021 Kwiple.com
Snapshot He's 37. He looks 27. He's the only veteran who came back from Afghanistan looking refreshed. When he campaigns door-to-door, nobody answers because they'e afraid he's a Mormon. Pete Buttigieg portrayed by Bill Maher June 21, 2019 © 2019 Kwiple.com
Snapshot What goes better with cheese than a cracker? Ted Cruz's victory in the 2016 Wisconsin Republican presidential primary explained by Bill Maher © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Jerry Falwell found out you could launder your hate through the cover of “God's will” — he didn't hate gays, God does.  Jerry Falwell portrayed by Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Rudy Giuliani's first wife was his cousin. Did you know this? I think that's a very cheap way to go after the Southern vote. Rudy Giuliani portrayed by Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Here's three words no one ever has to say to Marjorie Taylor Greene: Dumb it down. Marjorie Taylor Greene portrayed by Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, June 3, 2022 © 2022 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Marjorie Taylor Greene, the congresswoman who makes most people say, “How is she not a teacher from Florida who fucks her students?” Marjorie Taylor Greene portrayed by Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, Jan. 20, 2021 © 2021 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Why is this chick so hyperactive? She looks like Cocaine Bear. If she actually were four years old and acted out this much, they'd arrest her stepfather. Honey, sit down. This is Congress, not the Waffle House at 3 o'clock in the morning. Marjorie Taylor Greene portrayed by Bill Maher, after her outbursts during Biden's 2023 State of the Union Address while draped in a white fur boa © 2023 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Loathsome and transparently ambitious, Josh was the first Senator to formally chose Trumps's baseless election fraud conspiracy over his constitutional pledge to uphold the Constitution. But before you say he's anti-democratic, he just wants you to know that he's just asking questions. Questions like, Why does the winner of an election always have to be the guy who gets the most votes? Josh Hawley portrayed by Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, Jan. 20, 2021 © 2021 Kwiple.com
Snapshot If you married a manic-depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say, “In God We Trust.” Abraham Lincoln portrayed by Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Snapshot She supported an insurrection for the "likes". Nancy Mace,  Republican Representative from South Carolina, who criticized the Big Lie like Liz Cheney did and then voted to remove Cheney from her leadership position in the party after Trump's base howled, portrayed by Bill Maher © 2021 Kwiple.com
Snapshot A man with all the backbone of one of those inflatable tube men outside a car dealership. Kevin McCarthy portrayed by Bill Maher © 2021 Kwiple.com
Snapshot In the light of a rubber-stamp Senate and a stooge Attorney General, it fell to Robert Mueller alone to right the ship of state. Mueller heard that call from history and let it go to voicemail. Robert Mueller portrayed by Bill Maher © 2019 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Ronald Reagan used to say the nine most terrifying words in the English language were: “I'm from the government  and I'm here to help you.” But that was before: “I'm Sarah Palin, now show me the launch codes.” Sarah Palin portrayed by Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Sarah Palin, reading off her hand. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote “tax cuts” on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing – Tax cuts! This is like if you saw the coyote's paw and it said “Road Runner.” Sarah Palin portrayed by Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Snapshot We don't know what the Proud Boys are proud of, but it's not their grades. Proud Boys portrayed by Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, March 5, 2021 © 2021 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Alpha dogs never die. Never. Anthony Quinn had a baby out of wedlock at 78. His wife was very mad at him. And then he did it again at 81. Anthony Quinn portrayed by Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, November 11, 2022 © 2022 Kwiple.com
Snapshot The new crop [of Republicans] are such foamimg-at-the-mouth Kraken releasers  that Clarence Thomas wants to marry them. Republicans running for office in 2022 portrayed by Bill Maher, April 1, 2022  © 2022 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Republicans restock douchebags with the efficiency of an Amazon warehouse. They churn our new crazies like the Hallmark channel makes Christmas movies. Republican Party portrayed by Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, Jan. 20, 2021 © 2021 Kwiple.com
Snapshot He thinks life begins at erection Rick Santorum portrayed by Bill Maher © 2015 Kwiple.com
Snapshot He lies like a goose shits. If he's not doing it at the very moment, he's about to. George Santos portrayed by Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, Jan. 20, 2023 © 2023 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Santos is the first one to realize that, since we are all in our hermetically-sealed media bubble now, you can pretend to be everything to voters in both parties  and no one on either side will notice. Everyone saw in George Santos what they wanted to see. Republicans saw a Trump-loving rich prick,  Democrats saw a proudly gay person of color, and the Proud Boys saw a guy who would blow them after a couple of beers and not tell anyone. George Santos portrayed by Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, Jan. 20, 2023 © 2023 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Blob the Builder Donald Trump portrayed by Bill Maher © 2018 Kwiple.com
Snapshot The first guy ever to pay a porn star to shut her mouth. Donald Trump portrayed by Bill Maher Real Time with Bill Maher, March 24, 2023 © 2023 Kwiple.com
Snapshot He's the only man ever to pay a porn star to keep her mouth shut.  Donald Trump portrayed by Bill Maher © 2018 Kwiple.com
Snapshot He's the white Kanye West. Donald Trump portrayed by Bill Maher © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot I don't think Trump hates Jews. There are too many rich ones. Donald Trump portrayed by Bill Maher © 2018 Kwiple.com
Snapshot I wouldn't be surprised if you nicknamed your penis Mike Pence because it's not hung like it should be. Donald Trump portrayed by Bill Maher Real Time with Bill Maher, November 11, 2022 © 2022 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Illiteracy isn't Trump's shame. It's his bond with us, a sub-literate president for a sub-literate country. Donald Trump portrayed by Bill Maher © 2018 Kwiple.com
Snapshot The only time corruption bothers Donald Trump is when he's not in on it. Donald Trump portrayed by Bill Maher © 2019 Kwiple.com
Snapshot He refused to debate before his primary and general elections, and it's a good thing because he could lose a game of tic tac toe to a St. Bernard.  Tommy's a model of today's constitutional conservative who has absolutely no idea of what's in the Constitution.  He got wrong the answer to the question, What are the three branches of our government? Strippers can get this one. I know. I've asked. Tommy Tuberville portrayed by Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, Jan. 20, 2021 © 2021 Kwiple.com
Snapshot She's a three-syllable woman in a one-syllable country. A lot of Americans see a woman with a bunch of plans who seems to know everything making demands for change and they think, I already have a wife. Elizabeth Warren portrayed by Bill Maher © 2019 Kwiple.com
State of the union If America was a summer blockbuster, it would be called “Democracy: Endgame.” Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, May 3, 2019, after Attorney General William Barr lied to Congress and president Trump and the Department of Justice refused to honor subpoenas issued by Congress © 2019 Kwiple.com
State of the union This country is in quite a pickle. Conservatives govern without shame and liberals shame without governing. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, June 8, 2018 © 2018 Kwiple.com
State of the union We're No. 1 in thinking we're No. 1. Bill Maher  © 2016 Kwiple.com
Technology Nobody writing a love note with a quill ever said, “Why can't I send a dick pic?” Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, August 9, 2019 © 2019 Kwiple.com
Television Most people look at Sesame Street and they see a show that educates children. Trump sees a show where a landlord is being forced to rent to black people. Bill Maher, March 17, 2017 on Trump's proposal to defund PBS © 2017 Kwiple.com
Television Never underestimate the power of being in people's living rooms for decades. That's what got Trump elected. This is now a as-seen-on-TV kind of country. Bill Maher © 2019 Kwiple.com
Trumpism Unremarkable people can get a remarkable life in Congress and that's what keeps the average Republican backbencher in fatso's thrall. Sticking with Trump guarantees them something that's bigger than faith, family, country or objective reality. They get to keep the best job they could ever get with absolutely nothing to recommend their lazy, ignorant ass for it. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, August 6, 2021 © 2021 Kwiple.com
Trumpists In 2009, it was a big deal when congress- man Joe Wilson yelled out “You lie!”  during Obama's state of the union address. But this year, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert repeatedly, repeatedly interruped Biden during his state of the union address. Look at them! [accom-  panying photo of them standing and yelling]  Excuse me, Karen! The president is talking. It's not a black kid you caught trying to use the pool.  No, you can't have another skinny margarita, and if you don't sit down, this flight is never getting to Orlando. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, April 1, 2022 © 2022 Kwiple.com
Truth If you want to speak truth to power  – I'm going to go out on a limb here and say – you have to include the truth part. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, Oct. 5, 2023 © 2023 Kwiple.com
Voting rights In forty-eight states, you can't vote if you're in prison, but in every state, you can run for Congress from prison. Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, August 6, 2021 © 2021 Kwiple.com