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John Oliver

Thursday 25th of April 2024

Assholes Every asshole succeeds until finally they don't.  John Oliver, talking about Trump and impeachment © 2019 Kwiple.com
Campaign finance While it is true that he [Trump] hasn't taken corporate money, the implication that he has personally spent 20 to 25 million dollars is a bit of a stretch because what he's actually done is loaned his own campaign 17 and a half million dollars and personally given just $250,000. That's important because up until the convention, he can pay himself back the loan with campaign funds. And if you don't think there's a significant difference between a gift and a loan, try giving your spouse an anniversary loan and see how that goes. John Oliver, Last Week Tonight, February 28, 2016 © 2016 Kwiple.com
Early retirement offer We have a special offer for you tonight: We are prepared to offer you $1 million a year for the rest of your life, if you simply agree to leave the Supreme Court immediately and never come back. This is not a joke. If you watch our show, you know jokes aren’t really our thing. This is real. A million dollars a year — until you or I die. John Oliver's offer to Clarence Thomas,  Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, Feb. 18, 2024 [Thomas was given 30 days to respond.  Oliver also offered him a new $2.4 million Prevost  motor home to replace the one he bought in 1999 with a $267,000 loan from Anthony Welters, which was forgiven in 2008] © 2024 Kwiple.com
Filibusters In practical terms, it essentially means that a simple majority of 51 votes isn't nearly enough to pass legislation. If you don't get 60 votes for a bill, it's dead. Which means, theoretically, senators from the 21 least populated states representing just 11% of Americans could overrule everyone. It seems pretty extreme. So, to quote everyone who's ever sat in a bathroom stall with a 3" gap in the door — why on earth was it designed this way? John Oliver, Last Weeek Tonight, September 8, 2019 © 2022 Kwiple.com
Florida  Florida is not where woke goes to die. It's where wealthy upper East Side New Yorkers go to die. John Oliver, Last Week Tonight, March 5, 2023 © 2023 Kwiple.com
Impeachment Later can't mean never because the case for inaction here is starting to get pretty weak. John Oliver, June 16, 2019, after Trump said he would accept foreign meddling again in American elections in order to get rerelected in 2020 © 2019 Kwiple.com
The IRS The fact is, blaming the IRS because you hate paying taxes is a bit like slapping your checkout clerk because the price of eggs has gone up. John Oliver, Last Week Tonight, April 12, 2015 © 2015 Kwiple.com
The IRS Not everything that's important is likeable. Think of our government as a body. The IRS is the anus. It's nobody's favorite part, but you need that thing working properly or everything goes to shit real quick. John Oliver, Last Week Tonight, April 12, 2015 © 2015 Kwiple.com
The IRS We should fund them because the IRS is one of the safest investments for public money available. According to the Treasury Department, every dollar spent on tax enforcement yields back six. Six. The IRS sextuples your money. John Oliver, Last Week Tonight, April 12, 2015 © 2015 Kwiple.com
Military parades I will say this: it won't make him happy. And I think it's important  that he knows that. Whatever this presidency is about –the search for a lost father's love, trying to fill a void with something tangible– that parade is going to go past him and he's going to realize this isn't it either. It's not gonna happen. Those phallic missiles, he'll think, “No, okay, it must be something else then.” And that–that–is when we're really fucked. John Oliver, on Trump wanting a parade of his own © 2018 Kwiple.com
Monkeypox You have to believe that if monkeypox were spreading largely through heterosexual sex, things would be drastically different. By now, you'd probably be able to get a 'free vax with purchase' at every J. Crew in the country. John Oliver, Last Week Tonight, August 7, 2022 © 2022 Kwiple.com
Public discourse When it comes to critical race theory, think of it like Rihanna's pregnancy. Even if you think it has nothing to do with you, believe me, you're going to be hearing a lot about it this year. John Oliver, Last Week Tonight, February 20, 2022 © 2022 Kwiple.com
Punt returners say If the way to get rid of something awful was for people to laugh at it and mock it,  that woman clearly wouldn’t be in Congress. And yet here we all are. John Oliver responding to Marjorie Taylor Greene's comment about monkeypox that “It’s not a threat to most of the population. People just have to laugh at it, mock it, and reject it ... It's another scam.” © 2022 Kwiple.com
Sex education Here is an exchange that has never happened: How are you so good at sex? I was homeschooled. John Oliver, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, August 9, 2015 © 2015 Kwiple.com
Snapshot She disappoints  at a rate normally associated with dinners cooked by divorced dads. Susan Collins portrayed by John Oliver © 2018 Kwiple.com
Snapshot She knew publicly reliving the most traumatic event in her life could have absolutely no effect on anything and yet she spoke up anyway. It is absolutely incredible the lengths to which some people will go for a free polygraph test. Christine Blasey Ford portrayed by John Oliver, September 30, 2018  © 2018 Kwiple.com
Snapshot When this week began, the biggest fear for many was that the [Senate Judiciary] Committee would not believe Christine Blasey Ford. But, by the time the week ended, it seemed that something darker might have happened because it seems their response was, “Oh, we believe you. We just don't care.” Christine Blasey Ford portrayed by John Oliver, September 30, 2018  © 2018 Kwiple.com
Snapshot He is not normal. He is abnormal. He's a human what-is-wrong-with-this-picture. Donald Trump portrayed by John Oliver © 2017 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Someone who's always acted like the most powerful man in the world has now actually become the most powerful man in the world. Donald Trump portrayed by John Oliver © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Trump is basically the propagandist of Putin's dreams, and who knows why  he's  acting  this  way. Maybe he's compromised. Maybe he's an idiot. Donald Trump portrayed by John Oliver © 2017 Kwiple.com
State of the union  Sadly, doing things that disqualify you from being taken seriously doesn't really seem to be much of a thing anymore.  John Oliver © 2018 Kwiple.com
 
Trumpism Keep reminding yourself: this is not normal. Write it on a Post-it note and stick it on your refrigerator, hire a skywriter once a month, tattoo it on your ass. Because a Klan-backed internet troll is going to be delivering the next State of the Union address. And that is not normal: it is fucked up. John Oliver © 2019 Kwiple.com