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Stephen Colbert

Thursday 25th of April 2024

2016 Presidential election And now the gloves are off. The tiny, tiny gloves. Stephen Colbert, on Donald Trump's hiring of Steve Bannon, the ex-head of frothing Breitbart News, as CEO of his presidential campaign © 2016 Kwiple.com
Alt-righters  They're so embarrassed of Bannon that a lot of the alt-right have started covering their faces with hoods.  Stephen Colbert, on reports alt-righters have turned against Steve Bannon for his damning comments about Trump's administration and family  © 2018 Kwiple.com
Asslickers And then, along with several Diet-Coke-soaked cheeseburgers, your soul makes the journey through Trump's digestive tract and is eventually excreted. And then you're Stephen Miller. Stephen Colbert, Late Show with Stephen Colbert, 5/2/2019, completing James Comey's statement that “Mr. Trump eats your soul in small bites.” © 2019 Kwiple.com
Bad news The free press joins Trump's enemies list, along with intelligence agencies, civil rights leaders, Meryl Streep, and non-absorbent hotel mattresses. citation Stephen Colbert, The Late Show, January 16, 2017, on reports Trump may evict reporters from their office in the White House, which they've had since Teddy Roosevelt's administration, because, according to his aide, “they're the opposition party” © 2017 Kwiple.com
Bad news Over the last five years, you people were so good over tax cuts, W.M.D. intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. citation Stephen Colbert, 2006 White House Correspondents' Association dinner © 2017 Kwiple.com
Baltimore God bless America Except Baltimore They got rats there No MAGA hats there I don't go there Because they are poor Stephen Colbert, on Trump's attacks on Baltimore © 2019 Kwiple.com
Breitbart News If you haven't heard of Breitbart News, that means you do not have a racist uncle on Facebook. Stephen Colbert © 2016 Kwiple.com
Lies If Trump had a dollar for every lie he's told, he would say he had a billion dollars. Stephen Colbert, Late Show with Stephen Colbert, 4/29/2019, commenting on the April 29, 2019, Washington Post headline reporting that “President trump has made more than 10,000 false or misleading claims,” on Trump's 829th day in office, for an average of 12+ per day © 2019 Kwiple.com
Lies When the attorney general lies to Congress, it is a crime. When the president does it, it is the state of the union. Stephen Colbert, Late Show with Stephen Colbert, 5/2/2019 © 2019 Kwiple.com
Military parades Check your cards! Who has dictator bingo? I was close. I had rallies and attack the free press. I didn't have military parade. Stephen Colbert, The Late Show, February 8, 2018, on Trump wanting one of his own  © 2018 Kwiple.com
Presidency The greatest presidents  end up on our currency. Donald Trump could end up on our hush money. Stephen Colbert © 2018 Kwiple.com
Presidential harassment Yes, presidential harassment – it's like sexual harassment, only Republicans take it seriously. Stephen Colbert, responding to Trump's complaint that Democratic investigations of him are “presidential harassment” © 2019 Kwiple.com
Punt returners say By the way, “corrupt intent” is also what you call it when Trump goes camping. Stephen Colbert responding to Senator Ted Cruz's claim that “a quid pro quo is not illegal unless there is ‘corrupt intent’” © 2019 Kwiple.com
Punt returners say Donald Trump might have to choose between the Republican Party and his own family – two things he was not a member of until 2016. Stephen Colbert, Late Show with Stephen Colbert, 5/8/2019, responding to news that Donald Trump, Jr., was subpoened by the Republican-led Senate Intelligence Committee to testify about “Russia matters” © 2019 Kwiple.com
Punt returners say I'm concerned about one thing – that he doesn't know that's two things. Stephen Colbert, The Late Show, January 29, 2019, responding to Howard Schultz, who said, in announcing he's considering running for president in 2020, “I'm concerned about one thing: Doing everthing I can to help families who have been left behind, and to restore dignity and honor in the Oval Office.” © 2019 Kwiple.com
Punt returners say I'm going to hope … eating it? Stephen Colbert responding to reports in Fire and Fury,  by Michael Wolff, that Donald and Melania Trump have separate bedrooms and that “If he was not having his 6:30 dinner with Steve Bannon, then … he was in bed by that time with a cheeseburger" © 2018 Kwiple.com
Punt returners say May I point out that only one of you is sitting on Putin's lap with his hand up your butt. Stephen Colbert responding to Donald Trump, who said: “Joe Biden is a dummy” © 2019 Kwiple.com
Punt returners say Really? You're going to compare Donald Trump to Jesus Christ? May I remind you, Jesus never had to cut a check to keep Mary Magdalene quiet. Stephen Colbert, Late Show with Stephen Colbert, 12/18/2019, responding to Barry Loudermilk, Republican who made the comparison during the House floor debate about Trump impeachment articles © 2019 Kwiple.com
Punt returners say That's not fair. Mob bosses know how to run a casino — allegedly . . . allegedly. Stephen Colbert responding to news that James Comey compared Donald Trump to a mob boss  © 2018 Kwiple.com
Punt returners say We would prefer something of value. Stephen Colbert responding to Donald Trump, who said: – after pulling a folded sheet of paper out of his jacket pocket, waving it about and claiming it was a secret agreement with Mexico to prevent migrants from entering the U.S. – “I just give you my word” © 2019 Kwiple.com
Punt returners say Yes, but he prefers to be called Ron Desantis. Stephen Colbert, responding to Gizmodo's January 14, 2022, headline, “Sadly, 'Covid Dick' Is Real” © 2022 Kwiple.com
Punt returners say Yes, he's not a baby, because a baby wets his own bed. Stephen Colbert, responding to Donald Trump, who told Lesley Stahl, “I'm not a baby” © 2018 Kwiple.com
Sexual harassment If one person in your life accused you of pooping in their kitchen sink, I could be persuaded to believe that that is a lie. But, if over the course of 73 years of your life, 22 separate people came forward with detailed accounts of times you pooped in their kitchen sinks, I'm gonna start thinking you're a sink pooper. There's no difference here. Stephen Colbert, commenting on the 22nd accusation of sexual assault against Donald Trump © 2019 Kwiple.com
Snapshot The handsomest guy in the liquor store. Steve Bannon portrayed by Stephen Colbert © 2017 Kwiple.com
Snapshot My new nickname for her is Preparation H. It's a compliment. Hillary Clinton portrayed by Stephen Colbert, after she showed how prepared she was during her first debate with Donald Trump, who tried winging it and thereby failed to clear the very low bar set for him © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot I know Stormy Daniels is an adult film star, but Rudy Giuliani might be the biggest dick she's ever seen. Rudy Giuliani portrayed by Stephen Colbert after he showed a video of Giuliani making intentionally insulting remarks about Daniels at a press conference  [Responding to the audience's laughter, he added, “Unpleasant person. Unpleasant person.”] © 2018 Kwiple.com
Snapshot He could be on the course for any reason. We know he loves making fun of people's handicaps. Donald Trump portrayed by Stephen Colbert during comments on White Houses aides who acknowledged that Trump went golfing six times during his first thirty days in office, but refused to admit he played golf each time © 2017 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Here's some shocking news: Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey is officially shutting down. Apparently the circus doesn't think they could compete against a Trump presidency. … What with all the marriages, he does have three rings. Donald Trump portrayed by Stephen Colbert, January 16, 2017 © 2017 Kwiple.com
Snapshot I'm not ready to say that our president is a Russian agent, but I have an agent and he doesn't do much for me as Trump does for Russia. Donald Trump portrayed by Stephen Colbert © 2018 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Oh, Stormy, you don't know Donald Trump at all. Not paying people is how he screws them.  Donald Trump portrayed by Stephen Colbert, commenting on Stormy Daniels' statement, “I do remember while we were having sex, I was like, ‘Please, don't try to pay me.’” © 2018 Kwiple.com
Snapshot When he can, he tells the truth. When he can't, he talks. Donald Trump portrayed by Stephen Colbert © 2018 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Yesterday, Trump signed an order slashing the size of Bears Ears and Grand Staircase national monuments. Hey, come on – it's reasonable that he doesn't care about them: they're just national monuments; they're not Confederate monuments. Donald Trump portrayed by Stephen Colbert on The Late Show, December 5, 2017, after Trump withdrew protections from two million acres of federal land in Utah sacred to Native Americans to open it up to miners, loggers, oil and gas companies  © 2017 Kwiple.com
Southern border wall Border-Lying Personality Disorder Monologue title, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, January 10, 2019  © 2019 Kwiple.com
Southern border wall Mr. President, steel slats are not the metal bars we want you behind. Stephen Colbert, The Late Show, January 9, 2019, after Trump claimed that, at the request of Democrats, the wall would be a barrier of steel slats instead of the concrete wall he promised  © 2019 Kwiple.com
Starbucks Fun fact – Their coffee is Trump's only black tenant. Stephen Colbert, The Late Show, January 29, 2019 © 2019 Kwiple.com
 
Surely you jest That changes everything. He didn't say “shithole” – he said “shithouse.” Either way, Trump is being a complete asshouse who maybe, maybe, just maybe, doesn't belong in the White Hole. Stephen Colbert, commenting on reports Republicans are defending Trump by saying he called Haiti, El Salvador and African countries “shithouses,” not “shitholes.” The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, January 16, 2018 © 2018 Kwiple.com