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Ted Cruz

Friday 26th of April 2024

TX Republican Ted Cruz's Pledge of Allegiance 2.0 I pledge allegiance to the millionaires and billionaires behind Grover Norquist's Taxpayer Protection Pledge, and to their interests above all others, so help me God, come hell or high water. The Pledge of Allegiance 2.0 is the implicit pledge made by signing Norquist's Taxpayer Protection Pledge © 2015 Kwiple.com
2013 government shutdown Call The Government Shutdown The “Ted Cruz Crisis” headline, Forbes magazine, October 14, 2013, which attributed Cruz's leadership in shutting down the federal government from October 11 through 16, 2013, to his “high stakes play for the presidency” © 2016 Kwiple.com
2016 Presidential election Vote your conscience Ted Cruz, at the Republican Party convention, reneging on his promise to support the Party's nominee, whoever it is © 2016 Kwiple.com
2016 Presidential primaries Fiorina goes down before Cruz in Indiana © 2016 Kwiple.com
2016 Presidential primaries If I am elected president, I will instruct my Attorney General to investigate Planned Parenthood on day one. Ted Cruz © 2016 Kwiple.com
2016 Presidential primaries Presidential? They were menopausal. Bill Maher, on Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio & Donald Trump braying at each other during the televised Feb. 25, 2016, presidential primary debate  © 2016 Kwiple.com
2016 Presidential primaries You want to know what I will do as President? We'll kill terrorists, we'll repeal Obamacare, and we will defend the Constitution. Every single word of of it! Ted Cruz © 2016 Kwiple.com
2020 Presidential election A joint statement [Sen. Ted] Cruz issued about the senators' challenge to the vote nicely captured the post-truth aspect of the whole: It never alleged that there was fraud, only that there were allegations of fraud. Allegations of allegations, allegations all the way down. Timothy Snyder, New York Times, January 9, 2021 © 2020 Kwiple.com
Asslickers History isn't kind to the man who holds Mussolini's jacket. Ted Cruz, 2016, who started holding it in 2018 in an exchange for an endorsement of his reelection to the Senate © 2019 Kwiple.com
Bad news Senate confirms Scott Pruitt, preeminent pimp for polluters, as EPA administrator If water becomes undrinkable and air becomes unbreathable, blame him and his enablers: Lamar Alexander (R) Steve Daines (R) Johnny Isakson (R) Pat Roberts (R) John Barrasso (R) Mike Enzi (R) Ron Johnson (R) Mike Rounds (R) Roy Blunt (R) Joni Ernst (R) John Kennedy (R) Marco Rubio (R) John Boozman (R) Deb Fischer (R) James Lankford (R) Ben Sasse (R) Richard Burr (R) Jeff Flake (R) Mike Lee Tim Scott (R) Shelley Moore-Capito (R) Cory Gardner (R) Joe Manchin (D) Richard Shelby (R) Bill Cassidy (R) Lindsey Graham (R) Mitch McConnell (R) Luther Strange Thad Cochran (R) Chuck Grassley (R) Jerry Moran (R) Dan Sullivan (R) Bob Corker (R) Orrin Hatch (R) Lisa Murkowski (R) John Thune (R) John Cornyn (R) Heidi Heitkamp (D) Rand Paul (R) Thom Tillis (R) Tom Cotton (R) Dean Heller (R) David Perdue (R) Pat Toomey Mike Crapo (R) John Hoeven (R) Rob Portman (R) Roger Wicker (R) Ted Cruz (R) Jim Inhofe (R) James Risch (R) Todd Young Continental Resources (oil company) Lucas Oil Products (oil company) Devon Energy (oil and gas company) Murray Energy (coal copmany) KochPAC (Koch Industries PAC) Oklahoma Strong Leadership (his super-PAC) Liberty 2.0 (energy industry super-PAC) Protecting America Now (anti-EPA lobbyists) © 2017 Kwiple.com
Bullshitters say Let me tell you right now, critical race theory is bigoted, it is a lie and it is every bit as racist as the Klansmen in white sheets. Ted Cruz © 2022 Kwiple.com
Close, but no cigar Ten feet. You know, the amazing thing is, that basketball ring here in Indiana is the same height as it is in New York City and every other place in this country. Ted Cruz, during a rally at the Hoosier Gym Community Center in Knightstown, Indiana, where much of the movie “Hoosiers” was filmed © 2016 Kwiple.com
Dead-in-the-heads say Five major agencies that I would eliminate : the I.R.S. [thumb] , the Department of Commerce [pointer] , the Department of Energy [middle finger] , uh, the Department of Commerce [ring finger] , and HUD [pinky] . Ted Cruz, explaining how he'd cut government spending © 2015 Kwiple.com
Dead-in-the-heads say His [Neil Gorsuch's] nomination carries with it a superlegitimacy. … The American people played very direct role in helping choose this nominee. Ted Cruz, who thinks superlegitimacy is conferred by refusing to consider Democratic nominees, and by electing a president who encourages mob violence against protesters at his rallies; who requested and received Russian help in influencing the outcome of the election; who lost the popular vote by millions; and who depends on anti-democratic institutions like lying, the Electoral College, the Senate, nepotism, voter suppression, gerrymandering and pandering to the rich © 2017 Kwiple.com
Dead-in-the-heads say I didn't threaten to shut down the government last time. Ted Cruz © 2016 Kwiple.com
Global warming The last 18 years, if you look at the satellite data, there is no significant recorded warming whatsoever. Ted Cruz, September 30, 2015 © 2015 Kwiple.com
Global warming Today, the global warming alarmists are the equivalent of the flat-Earthers. It used to be [that] it is accepted scientific wisdom the Earth is flat, and this heretic named Galileo was branded a denier. Ted Cruz © 2016 Kwiple.com
Guns The people supporting Ted Cruz are the people who say things like, if Jesus had a gun, the crucifixion would have went differently. Mike Yard, on The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore, December 14, 2015 © 2015 Kwiple.com
Hypocrites say With school canceled for the week, our girls asked to take a trip with friends. Wanting to be a good dad, I flew down with them last night and am flying back this afternoon. Ted Cruz, cutting short his retreat to the Ritz Carlton in Cancún, Mexico, because his home (and constituents' homes) was freezing and under boil water advisories due to a days-long statewide power outage in Texas's electrical system, which doesn't work in cold weather because it isn't weatherized, and can't draw on reserves from other states because it's not connected to the national grid © 2021 Kwiple.com
Kwiplers say  I accuse Donald Trump and Mike Pence of conspiracy to transfer sovereignty from America's citizens to its largest  corporations and richest families and to make governments and the courts instruments for promoting their interests against all others' — actions democracies should deem treason punishable by death ——— Prominent Congressional Co-conspirators ——— Lamar Alexander • John Barrasso • Roy Blunt • John Boozman • Richard Burr • Shelley Capito • Bill Cassidy • Thad Cochran • Susan Collins • Bob Corker • John Cornyn • Tom Cotton • Mike Crapo • Ted Cruz • Steve Daines • Mike Enzi • Joni Ernst • Deb Fischer • Jeff Flake • Freedom Caucus • Cory Gardner • Lindsey Graham • Chuck Grassley • Orrin Hatch • Dean Heller • John Hoeven • James Inhofe • Johnny Isakson • Ron Johnson • John Kennedy • James Lankford • Mike Lee • Ron Johnson • John Kennedy • James Lankford • Mitch McConnell • Jerry Moran • Lisa Murkowski • Rand Paul • David Perdue • Rob Portman • Jim Risch • Pat Roberts • Mike Rounds • Marco Rubio • Ben Sasse • Tim Scott • Richard Shelby • Luther Strange • Dan Sulliven • John Thune • Thom Tillis • Patrick Toomey • Roger Wicker • Todd Young ——— Prominent Unelected Co-conspirators ——— Sheldon Adelson • Samuel Alito • American Legislative Exchange Council • Americans for Prosperity • Americans for Tax Reform • Betsy DeVos • Federalist Society • Fox News • Neil Gorsuch • Charles & David Koch • Robert & Rebekah Mercer • Scott Pruitt • John Roberts, Jr. • Sinclair Broadcast Group • Peter Singer • Peter Thiel • Clarence Thomas • U.S. Chamber of Commerce  © 2017 Kwiple.com
Kwiplers say Ted Cruz is America's Ayatollah-wannabe © 2016 Kwiple.com
Kwiplers say What will happen if even one Democrat votes no on federal disaster relief money for victims of hurricane Harvey, like the 36 Republican Senators — Kelly Ayotte Mike Enzi John Mccain John Barrasso Deb Fischer Mitch McConnell Roy Blunt Jeff Flake Jerry Moran John Boozman Lindsey Graham Rand Paul Richard Burr Chuck Grassley Rob Portman Saxby Chambliss Orrin Hatch Jim Risch Dan Coats Jim Inhofe Pat Roberts Tom Coburn Johnny Isakson Marco Rubio Bob Corker Mike Johanns Tim Scott John Cornyn Ron Johnson Jeff Sessions Mike Crapo Mark Kirk John Thune Ted Cruz Mike Lee Pat Toomey — who voted no on federal disaster relief money for victims of hurricane Sandy?  There'll be a record shitstorm from Trump supporters © 2017 Kwiple.com
Makin' bacon Mmm … machine-gun bacon. Ha ha ha. Ted Cruz, relishing bacon cooked Texas-style by wrapping it around the barrel of an assault rifle and shooting until it reaches doneness © 2015 Kwiple.com
Nonbelievers Last year, there was a chaplain in the Air Force up in Alaska who wrote in a blog post the phrase, “There are no atheists in foxholes.” He was ordered by his supervising officer to take it down. I guess it was deemed insensitive to atheists. I kind of thought it was the job of a chaplain to be insensitive to atheists. Ted Cruz © 2016 Kwiple.com
Obamacare Imagine in 2017 a new president signing legislation repealing every word of Obamacare. Ted Cruz © 2016 Kwiple.com
Planned Parenthood We should use any and every procedural means we have available to end funding for Planned Parenthood. Ted Cruz © 2016 Kwiple.com
Profiles in courage We can have no tolerance for an ideology of racial hatred. There are no good neo-Nazis, and those who espouse their views are not supporters of American ideals and freedoms. Mitch McConnell, like Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Paul Ryan and other Republicans who fear being primaried by Trump supporters the next time they run, scoring easy points by bemoaning hatred without condemning Trump by name © 2017 Kwiple.com
Punt returners say By the way, “corrupt intent” is also what you call it when Trump goes camping. Stephen Colbert responding to Senator Ted Cruz's claim that “a quid pro quo is not illegal unless there is ‘corrupt intent’” © 2019 Kwiple.com
Religious liberty We should not be persecuting people for their religious faith. Ted Cruz, justifying discrimination against gays on the basis of religious beliefs © 2015 Kwiple.com
Republicans say Don't trust the United States to stick to its agreements Kelly Ayotte Chuck Grassley Rob Portman John Barrasso Orrin Hatch Jim Risch Roy Blunt Dean Heller Pat Roberts John Boozman John Hoeven Mike Rounds Richard Burr Jim Inhofe Marco Rubio Bill Cassidy Johnny Isakson Ben Sasse John Cornyn Ron Johnson Tim Scott Tom Cotton Mark Kirk Jeff Sessions Mike Crapo James Lankford Richard Shelby Ted Cruz Mike Lee Dan Sullivan Steve Daines John McCain John Thune Mike Enzi Mitch McConnell Thom Tillis Joni Ernst S. Moore Capito Pat Toomey Deb Fischer Jerry Moran David Vitter Cory Gardner Rand Paul Roger Wicker Lindsey Graham David Perdue © 2015 Kwiple.com
Republicans say Make Israel's Iran policy ours Kelly Ayotte Chuck Grassley Rob Portman John Barrasso Orrin Hatch Jim Risch Roy Blunt Dean Heller Pat Roberts John Boozman John Hoeven Mike Rounds Richard Burr Jim Inhofe Marco Rubio Bill Cassidy Johnny Isakson Ben Sasse John Cornyn Ron Johnson Tim Scott Tom Cotton Mark Kirk Jeff Sessions Mike Crapo James Lankford Richard Shelby Ted Cruz Mike Lee Dan Sullivan Steve Daines John McCain John Thune Mike Enzi Mitch McConnell Thom Tillis Joni Ernst S. Moore Capito Pat Toomey Deb Fischer Jerry Moran David Vitter Cory Gardner Rand Paul Roger Wicker Lindsey Graham David Perdue © 2015 Kwiple.com
Republicans say Pander to the base, pander to the polluters, piss away America's presitge John Barrasso (WY) Mitch McConnell (KY) Roy Blunt (MO) Rand Paul (KY) John Boozman (AR) David Perdue (GA) Thad Cochran (MS) Jim Risch (ID) John Cornyn (TX) Pat Roberts (KS) Mike Crapo (ID) Mike Rounds (SD) Ted Cruz (TX) Tim Scott (SC) Mike Enzi (WY) Richard Shelby (AL) Orrin Hatch (UT) Luther Strange (AL) Jim Inhofe (OK) Thom Tillis (NC) Mike Lee (UT) Roger Wicker (MS) Signers of a letter Republican Senators sent to President Trump calling for the U.S. to withdraw from the Paris Climate Agreement © 2017 Kwiple.com
Same-sex marriage If you look at other nations that have gone down the road towards gay marriage, that's the next step of where it gets enforced. It gets enforced against Christian pastors who decline to perform gay marriages, who speak out and preach biblical truths that have been defined elsewhere as hate speech, as inconsistent with the enlightened view of government. I think the advocates that are driving this effort in the United States want to see us end up in that same place. Ted Cruz © 2016 Kwiple.com
Selfie I am a very, very proud wacko bird. Ted Cruz © 2015 Kwiple.com
Selfie I was bitten by an octopus. Ted Cruz, answer to a question about what voters would be surprised to learn about him, which turns out to be that he incites even cephalopods © 2016 Kwiple.com
Selfie I will credit my father, he invented … green eggs and ham. He did it two ways. The easy way was he would put green food coloring in … But if you take spinach and mix it into the eggs, the eggs turn green … I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam I am. Ted Cruz © 2016 Kwiple.com
Selfie If you want someone to grab a beer with, I may not be that guy. Ted Cruz © 2016 Kwiple.com
Selfie In my life, I have never once seen an Hispanic panhandler. Ted Cruz © 2015 Kwiple.com
Selfie Let me be clear. Donald Trump may be a rat, but I have no desire to copulate with him. Ted Cruz © 2016 Kwiple.com
Selfie My music taste changed on 9/11 … I didn't like how rock music responded. And country music, collectively, it resonated with me. And I have to say, it just is gut-level. I had an emotional reaction that says, “These are my people.” And so, ever since 2001, I listen to country music. Ted Cruz, whose political career is funded mostly by large individual donors and billionaire-backed organizations pandering to country boys © 2015 Kwiple.com
Selfie Twenty years from now, if there is some obscure  trivial pursuit question, I am confident I will be the answer. Ted Cruz © 2016 Kwiple.com
The Senate We need 100 more like Jesse Helms in the Senate. Ted Cruz, calling for more Senators who oppose abortion, affirmative action, AIDS research and treatment, busing, civil rights, disability rights, a federal holiday honoring Martin Luther King, Jr., feminism, food stamps, gay rights, liberals, Mexican immigrants, school desegregation, the National Endowment for the Arts, unions, voting rights © 2016 Kwiple.com
Sleepers at the wheel say It was an inadvertent oversight. Ted Cruz, on his failure to inform the Federal Election Commission about a $500,000 loan he received from Goldman Sachs, where his wife worked, when he ran for the Senate in 2012 © 2015 Kwiple.com
Sleepers at the wheel say The problem with climate change is there's never been a day in the history of the world in which the climate is not changing. Ted Cruz © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot I think it was Roger's dying wish to elect Donald Trump president. Roger Ailes portrayed by Ted Cruz © 2020 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Lucifer in the flesh. Ted Cruz portrayed by John Boehner © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot That jackass. Ted Cruz portrayed by John Boehner © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot There is nothing more dangerous than a reckless asshole who thinks he is smarter than everyone else. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Senator Ted Cruz.  Ted Cruz portrayed by John Boehner © 2021 Kwiple.com
Snapshot His thirst for the spotlight is unquenchable. His arrogance is unalloyed. He actually takes pride in being abrasive, as if a person's tally of detractors measures his fearlessness, not his obnoxiousness. Ted Cruz portrayed by Frank Bruni © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot I just don't like the guy. Ted Cruz portrayed by George W. Bush © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot He doesn't have any friends in Congress. He called the leader of the Republicans a liar on the Senate floor. If you want to call somebody a liar in the Senate, you go to their office — you don't go on the Senate floor and make it public. Ted Cruz portrayed by Bob Dole © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot We hadn't left Manhattan before he asked my IQ. Ted Cruz, portrayed by a female Harvard Law School student who agreed to carpool with him © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot I like Ted Cruz more than most of my colleagues like Ted Cruz. And I hate Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz portrayed by Senator Al Franken © 2021 Kwiple.com
Snapshot He is an opportunist. Ted Cruz portrayed by Lindsey Graham © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you. Ted Cruz portrayed by Lindsey Graham © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot It was my distinct impression that Ted had nothing to learn from anyone else. The only point of Ted talking to you was to convince you of the rightness of his views. Ted Cruz portrayed by Erik Leitch, a Princeton classmate © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot More than anyone I knew, Ted seemed to have arrived in college with a fully formed worldview. And what strikes me now, looking at him as an adult and hearing the things he's saying, it seems like nothing has changed. Four years of an Ivy League education, Harvard Law, and years of life experience have altered nothing. Ted Cruz portrayed by Erik Leitch, a Princeton classmate © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot What goes better with cheese than a cracker? Ted Cruz's victory in the 2016 Wisconsin Republican presidential primary explained by Bill Maher © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Getting emails blaming me not smothering Ted Cruz in his sleep in 1988. What kind of monster do you think I am? A really prescient one? Ted Cruz portrayed in a tweet by Craig Mazin, his former Princeton roommate © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot I remember very specifically that he had a book in Spanish and the title was “Was Karl Marx a Satanist?” And I thought, who is this person? Ted Cruz portrayed by Craig Mazin, his former Princeton roommate © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot I would rather have anybody else be the president of the United States. Anyone. I would rather pick someone from the phone book. Ted Cruz portrayed by Craig Mazin, his former Princeton roommate © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot A nightmare of a human being. Ted Cruz portrayed by Craig Mazin, his former Princeton roommate © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Ted Cruz is not the Zodiac Killer. The Zodiac Killer actually got things done. Ted Cruz portrayed in a tweet by Craig Mazin, his former Princeton roommate © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot When I met Ted in 1988, I had no word to describe him, but only because I didn't speak German. Thank you, Germans, for “Backpfeifengesicht.” [a face that should be punched] Ted Cruz portrayed by Craig Mazin, his former Princeton roommate © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Maybe it was through, you know, hand telegraph; maybe sign language. Ask him how he communicated with me because I'd be very interested. Ted Cruz portrayed by John McCain, who Cruz claimed he had been pressuring to reduce restrictions on guns on military bases © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Several fellow classmates who asked that their names not be used described the young Cruz as “abrasive,” “intense,” “strident,” “crank,” and “arrogant.” Four independently offered “intense,” with some pointing to Cruz's habit of donning a paisley bathrobe and walking to the opposite end of their dorm's hallway where the female students lived. Ted Cruz portrayed by Patricia Murphy, The Daily Beast, August 19, 2013 © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot #SCOTUS sources say Cruz asked to sit w Scalia clerks @ funeral. They said no. Then GOP leadership said no bc he wasn't 1 of them either. Ted Cruz portrayed by @NinaTotenberg, February 24, 2016 © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot He's a nasty guy. Nobody likes him. Nobody in Congress likes him. Nobody likes him anywhere once they get to know him. Ted Cruz portrayed by Donald Trump © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot Lyin' Ted Ted Cruz portrayed by Donald Trump © 2016 Kwiple.com
Snapshot He would come to meetings where he wasn't invited — and wasn't wanted. The quickest way for a meeting to end would be for Ted to come in. … People wouldn't go to a meeting if they knew he would be there. It was his inability to be part of the team. That's exactly what he was: a big asshole. Ted Cruz portrayed in Mother Jones  by an unnamed campaign veteran who worked with him © 2016 Kwiple.com
State of the union c Sudden, widespread alarm at Russian attempts to sow doubt about America's leaders, institutions and electoral integrity, coming after decades of well-funded, comparable, widely-applauded Republican efforts led by groups like Breitbart News, Fox News and Judicial Watch, and by party leaders like Ted Cruz, Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I don't get to read it that often because I tell them,“Go pick the books you want to read” and I read it to them. But since tonight, girls, you aren't here, you don't get to pick the book, so I get to pick Green Eggs and Ham. Ted Cruz, taking time out during his filibuster of the Affordable Care Act to read his daughters a bedtime story © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Just a few days ago two young kids ages four and six handed me two envelopes full of change. All of their earnings from their lemonade stand. They wanted the campaign to have it. That's what built this campaign. That's what fuels this movement. Ted Cruz, in announcing he's suspending his 2016 presidential campaign after losing the Indiana primary to Donald Trump © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest TRUST + TED = TRUSTED Ted Cruz 2016 campaign slogan © 2015 Kwiple.com
Trumpists say I talked to a student recently at one of our woke college campuses who said she is required in every class to  introduce herself and to give her pronouns. Well, I'm Ted Cruz, and my pronoun is, kiss my ass. Ted Cruz, July 23, 2022 © 2022 Kwiple.com
Trumpists say If you see someone with a beard and chest hair and a voice like Barry White, that's a dude. But we know that. Lia Thomas— I am sorry, Lia Thomas [the trans swimmer] looks like Michael Phelps. And people across the country, across the world, are, like, that don't make any sense. Ted Cruz, at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Dallas in August, 2022 © 2022 Kwiple.com
Trumpists say  Today is a very sad day in American history. We have never in over two centuries of our nation's history had a new president who launched the entire Department of Justice, the entire machinery of justice on a vendetta to persecute, to attack, to investigate, to indict, to try to throw in jail the former president who, it should be noted, is also currently the leading contender on the Republican side to run against the current president. Ted Cruz, after the DOJ indicted Trump for mishandling classified documents and participating in a conspiracy to obstruct justice, © 2023 Kwiple.com
Trumpists say Yeah, I do think there's a chance of that [impeaching Biden after the 2022 midterms]. And whether it's justified or not, as we talked about when [my podcast] Verdict [With Ted Cruz] launched, the Democrats weaponized impeachment. They used it for partisan purposes to go after Trump because they disagreed with him. And one of the real disadvantages of doing that is the more you weaponize it and turn it into a partisan cudgel, your know, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Ted “Cancún” Cruz, Harvard Law School graduate, solicitor general of Texas from 2003 to 2008, who thinks Trump was impeached over policy disputes and believes in impeaching opponents “whether it's justified or not” © 2022 Kwiple.com
Warmongers say We will utterly destroy ISIS. We will carpet bomb them into oblivion. I don't know if sand can glow in the dark, but we're going to find out. Ted Cruz © 2015 Kwiple.com
 
Warmongers say You would carpet bomb where ISIS is – not a city, but the location of the troops. You use air power directed – and you have embedded special forces to direction the air power. But the object isn't to level a city. The object is to kill the ISIS terrorists. Ted Cruz, Commander-in-Chief wannabe, when asked if he would carpet bomb Raqqa, the ISIS capital and home to 220,000 people, who he thinks can be individually targeted for death by carpet bombing instead of being killed indiscriminately © 2015 Kwiple.com