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Monday 4th of May 2026

2016 Presidential primaries carlyfiorina.com home page contains images of 30,000 sad faces representing employees she fired while at Hewlett-Packard  © 2016 Kwiple.com
2016 Presidential primaries Jeb Bush's campaign never bought JebBush.com so its owner redirected it to Donald Trump's website © 2016 Kwiple.com
2024 Presidential election And no one is even trying to assassinate Biden/Kamala Elon Musk, 8:41 PM – 9/15/24, which he later said was a “hilarious joke” © 2024 Kwiple.com
Afghanistan War  Marines in Afghanistan started telling a joke about their enemy: “We have the watches,” they'd say, “but they have the time.” citation Phil Klay, The Atlantic, May 2018 © 2018 Kwiple.com
Bad news You wake up early every day to comb your hair and pick out the brightest shirt/tie combo with your strongest pinstripe suit thinking this is going to be the year . . . then this happens. citation Orrin Hatch, 5:52 AM - 18 Apr 2018, octogenarian Senator from Utah, commenting on news that The Hill was discontinuing its annual list of the “50 Most Beautiful” people in Washington, DC © 2018 Kwiple.com
Death ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens  headline, The Onion, February 14, 2018, following the mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida © 2018 Kwiple.com
Divorce I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset that I'm not a widow. Roseanne Barr © 2018 Kwiple.com
Farming What's the difference between a pigeon and a family farmer? — — — — — A pigeon can still make a deposit on a John Deere. Old joke © 2017 Kwiple.com
Forecasts Why did God create economists? — — — — — To make weathermen look good. Old joke © 2017 Kwiple.com
Government I don't know jokes — I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers © 2024 Kwiple.com
Gun lobbyists say Loading magazines is better than reading them © 2018 Kwiple.com
Liars A man arrives at the pearly gates and asks Peter about all the clocks he sees, each at a different time. “A clock measures the number of lies you've told,” said Peter. “If you never told any, it's at midnight. If you told just a few, like Abe Lincoln, it's a few minutes past midnight.” “Where's Trump's?,” asks the man. “Oh, his,” said Peter. “We're using it as a ceiling fan.” © 2017 Kwiple.com
Memory The Right Honourable gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests, and to his imagination for his facts. Richard Brinsley Sheridan, in a speech replying to Henry Dundas, Britain's Secretary of War from 1794-`1801 © 2024 Kwiple.com
Men A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either? Roseanne Barr © 2018 Kwiple.com
Men The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest. Roseanne Barr © 2018 Kwiple.com
Populism Populist politics exploits the double-ness of comedy — the way that  “only a joke” can easily become “no joke” —  to create a relationship of active connivance between the leader and his followers in which everything is permissible because nothing is serious. Fintan O'Toole, New York Review of Books, March 21, 2024 © 2024 Kwiple.com
Public discourse Humor … may be a way of telling us not to feel sorry for ourselves. But it is more often a way of telling us not to feel sorry for others. It creates an economy of compassion, limiting it to those who are laughing and excluding those who are being laughed at. It makes the polarization of humanity fun. … Trump is America's biggest comedian.  His badinage is hardly Wildean, but his put-  downs, honed to the sharpness of stilettos, are many people's idea of fun. For them, he makes anger, fear and resentment entertaining. Fintan O'Toole, NY Rev. of Books, Mar. 21, 2024 © 2024 Kwiple.com
Snapshot He is an unbelievable politician. Donald Trump portrayed by Anthony Scaramucci, White House Communications Director © 2017 Kwiple.com
State of the union All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. Pat Paulsen © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest A $200 intelligent hairbrush that reports you head's condition to sellers of pommades © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest According to his doctor, Trump is 6'3" and 239 pounds, which means that, at age 71, he avoided official obesity by guzzling and growing an inch taller January, 2018 --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest After someone wrote “Trump 2016” in chalk on a campus sidewalk at Emory University, students erupted in protest, calling it hate speech that makes them feel unsafe © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest  All I know is what I read in the papers © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest America is a welcoming country. And under my leadership it's a welcoming country. Donald Trump --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest The American Action Network PAC suffers premature congratulation running television ads celebrating Republicans who repealed Obamacare © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Amherst College protesters demand “a statement of apology to students, alumni and former students, faculty, administration and staff who have been victims of several injustices including but not limited to our institutional legacy of white supremacy, colonialism, anti-black racism, anti-Latinx racism, anti-Native American racism, anti- Native/indigenous racism, anti-Asian racism, anti-Middle Eastern racism, heterosexism, cis-sexism, xenophobia, anti-Semitism, ableism, mental health stigma, and classism” --> © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest An ISIS Twitter account featuring pictures of kittens © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Anything sold by goop.com © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Apple calls its stores – which are private spaces – “town squares,” where you can shop 'til you drop but you can't hold political rallies except to support lowering taxes on profits earned abroad © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Art is not “bought” and “sold”: it's “sourced” and “placed” © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest As you know from the Italian expression, the fish stinks from the head down. What I can tell you two fish that don't stink, okay, and that's me and the President. Anthony Scaramucci, on himself and his homeboy, Donald Trump © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Asking your bridesmaids to have and pay for Botox/plastic surgery  so they'll look better in your wedding photos © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Baby on board © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Ballyhooing “the recovery” © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Believe me. Donald Trump © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Betsy DeVos calls historically black colleges and universities pioneers of “school choice” in a commencement speech at one © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest The Billy Graham rule © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest But it is a beautiful sinkhole. The best sink hole in history. A model sinkhole for all future sinkholes. @JohnMag99047565 7:54 AM - 22 May 2017, commenting on a 4-foot-wide sinkhole that opened in front of Trump's Mar-a-Lago country club © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Calling odor from workout wear “rebloom” © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Calling spitting “carb rinsing” © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest  Calling used stuff “pre-owned” or “pre-loved” © 2020 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Complaining the impeachment hearings lack “pizzazz” © 2019 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest “Congress”  is from the Latin “congressŭs,” meaning “coming together” © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Cultish devotion to heated-seat Japanese toilets © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Dare to let the children plan your vacation — — — — — When Marcos asked to visit Fiji after seeing ads for an underwater hotel there, his parents said no because the family had traveled to the South Pacific last year. They gave Marcos and Maya a say in planning a trip to Indonesia this summer, however. citation headline and excerpt, Wall Street Journal, May 17, 2017 © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Describing a plain roof as “outdoor space” and including it in the townhouse's square footage in real estate ads  © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Designer stubble © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Did you see her on TV? She'd pull out her mother's fingernails to get her recipe for brownies. From a conversation about Gina Haspel, overheard on a NYC subway, May 10, 2018, the day after the Senate hearing to consider appointing her as director of the CIA © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Didn't you guys burn down the White House? Donald Trump to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Do I think? Yes, I think.  Donald Trump © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest  Donald Trump had Stormy Daniels spank him using a Forbes magazine with photos of him, Donald Jr. and Ivanka on the cover  Reported in Mother Jones, January 18, 2018 © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Every cow I spoke to said the same thing: “Boo!” Senator Mike Lee, reporting to the Senate on his survey of Utah's bovines to discover what they think about the Green New Deal, which he claims calls for the elimination of all cows © 2019 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Everybody wants to work in the White House. They all want a piece of that Oval Office. They want a piece of the West Wing. … So many people want to come in. I have a choice of anybody. I could take any position in the White House and I'll have the choice of the top ten people having to do with that position. Everybody wants to be there. Donald Trump, talking about his White House, which has never attracted A-listers and can't keep its flock of B- and C-listers --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Excited to head to (City) and join the (team name). Instagram sent by Markelle Fultz announcing his selection as the No. 1 pick in the 2017 NBA draft © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Fair and Balanced citation Fox News slogan © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest For 20 minutes, the only spirits present appeared to be the Jack Daniel's. citation New York Times, June 25, 2017, commenting on a séance hosted by Larry and Toby Milstein, siblings and billion-heirs, at their apartment once owned by Leonard Bernstein, where they and friends invoked spirits of deceased musical tenants by singing songs they wrote and downing Champagne splits and Jack Daniel's © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Forgiveness is swallowing when you want to spit — — — — — — — — — — — Let Jesus carry your load  outdoor signs posted by Bella Vista Baptist Church  in Edgwater, Florida, on successive weeks  © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Funeral directors calling themselves “celebration event coordinators” --> © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Giving a gift of thyme © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Gun owners say they add silencers to their guns to reduce damage to their ears  © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Half the size of Zurich, but twice the fun Said of Vienna's Central Cemetery © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Have you ever eaten any other part of the animal? Marilyn Monroe, to Arthur Miller's parents, who fed her matzo ball soup © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Have you heard of Susan B. Anthony? Donald Trump, at a White House women's empowerment event © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Hold your tongue © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Home of the whopper citation Graffiti scrawled on a Fox News poster © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Honda commenced deliveries of its radical RC213V-S, a road-legal version of its World Championship-winning Moto GP race bike – which come with a suitably exotic price tag of £150,000. The 1,000cc V-4 engine produces 157hp (or more than 212 with the “race kit” fitted) and sits in a frame made from raw aluminum, meaning the machine must be housed in a heated garage to prevent it from corroding. citation How to Spend It, December 2, 2016 © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Honestly, It's Not For Everyone – and – Famous For Our Flat, Boring Landscapes Nebraska Tourism Commission, slogans unveiled in October, 2018 --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I am confident that the Attorney General will work with the IC [intelligence community] in accordance with the long-established standards to protect highly-sensitive classified information that, if publicly released, would put our national security at risk. Dan Coats, Director of National Intelligence, commenting on Trump's direction to Attorney General William Barr to declassify and divulge anything related to the origins of the Russia probe that might suggest it was an attempted coup to overthrow a duly elected president © 2019 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I came of age in the 60s and 70s, when all the rules about behavior and workplaces were different. Harvey Weinstein, infamous casting-couch Lothario, excusing decades of uncalled-for advances © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I don’t do things wrong. I do things right. I’m a legitimate person.  Donald Trump, echoing mob bosses in films and real life --> © 2023 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I don't get to read it that often because I tell them,“Go pick the books you want to read” and I read it to them. But since tonight, girls, you aren't here, you don't get to pick the book, so I get to pick Green Eggs and Ham. Ted Cruz, taking time out during his filibuster of the Affordable Care Act to read his daughters a bedtime story © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I don't think you can go to church too often. Marco Rubio, An American Son: A Memoir © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I had to do something at the time that upset me. I had to give her away. I'd rather have sold her. citation Bernie Ecclestone on his daughter Petra's wedding © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I have been saying even against me the system is rigged. Donald Trump, when asked what he would say to African Americans who believe that the system is rigged against them, comparing opposing institutionalized racism to opposing Republican Party delegate allocation rules © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I hope the first lion he meets does his duty. J. P. Morgan on being told Theodore Roosevelt was going on safari in Africa --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I love the women's movement, especially when walking behind it. Rush Limbaugh, Trump's Presidential Medal of Freedom winner for “decades of tireless devotion to our country” © 2020 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I'm happy to be alive! citation Siri, Apple's “intelligent assistant,” responding to the question, “Siri, how are you tonight?” Reported in Wall Street Journal, September 21, 2016 © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I'm not into popularity, I'm into getting something done that's good. Donald Trump © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I'm not looking for anything, except if I'm fortunate enough to be invited to another [White House] Hanukkah party, I want two potato pancakes, because last time I was there, they ran out of them. Sheldon Adelson to Mitt Romney, to whose Political Action Committee he donated $30,000,000 in 2012 © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I'm pretty good at estimating crowd size. Donald Trump --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I'm sure I've gotten a blow job from a guy before. … I don't know if it's gay unless you make eye contact while there's a blow job happening. Diplo [Thomas Wesley Pentz], who defines himself as “not not gay” © 2023 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I put the bomp in the bomp, bah bomp, bah bomp © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest I will be a great unifier for our country. Donald Trump © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest If Bolton replaces McMaster (and I've heard Kelly likes Bolton), we are all going to die. Colin Kahl, 1:25 PM - 1 Mar 2018 --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest If I'm glib – perhaps that's the case – I've never even heard of Pepe the Frog. I thought it was a frog in a wig. I thought it was funny. I had no idea that there's any connotation there. citation Donald Trump, Jr., on why he instagrammed an image showing Pepe the Frog, symbol of the racist alt-right movement, among his father's supporters © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest In 2002, Mike Pence told the Hill that he never eats alone with a woman other than his wife and that he won't attend events featuring alcohol without her by his side, either. Washington Post, March 28, 2017 © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest In a conflict of incest, Trump gives spawn Ivanka an office in the White House, a top-level security clearance and government communication devices to pursue her unpaid oathless role as Trump brand ambassador. Even Nixon didn't do that for his pet, Checkers. © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest In what promises to be a key issue in the 2016 general election, a majority of Americans now say that they want a President who can keep their families safe from Rudy Giuliani, a new poll finds. Andy Borowitz, Borowitz Report in New Yorker, July 19, 2016 © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Iraqi Head Seeks Arms citation newspaper headline quoted by David Boersema Philosophy Now, Dec. 2015/Jan. 2016 © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest It is a “‘fundamental principle of our  representative democracy,’ embodied in the  Constitution, that ‘the people should choose whom they please to govern them.’”  First sentence in Trump's petition to the Supreme Court to overturn the Colorado Supreme Court's decision to prevent him from appearing on its primary ballot because he violated Section Three of the Fourteenth Amendment by engaging in an insurrection intended to keep himself in power  and prevent the duly elected winner of the 2020 presidential election from taking office, after  having sworn an oath to defend the Constitution,  an irony lost on the petition's authors: Scott E. Gessler of Gessler Blue LLC, and Harmeet K. Dhillon, David A. Warrington, Jonathan M. Shaw, and Gary M. Lawkowski of Dhillon Law Group © 2024 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest It's such a pity that Congressman Tim Murphy terminated his career before it came to term. Trevor Noah, on the anti-abortionist forced to resign when the public learned he had asked his mistress to have an abortion © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Jeb Bush changes campaign slogan from “Jeb!” to “Jeb Can Fix It,” evoking images of ass cracks  and toilet plungers © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Jeb Bush tweets a picture of a gun with his name engraved on it and the caption “America” © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Jewelry that flashes and vibrates when your phone gets a message © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Just a few days ago two young kids ages four and six handed me two envelopes full of change. All of their earnings from their lemonade stand. They wanted the campaign to have it. That's what built this campaign. That's what fuels this movement. Ted Cruz, in announcing he's suspending his 2016 presidential campaign after losing the Indiana primary to Donald Trump © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Keep an eye out © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Lawyers for Noah's Ark theme park are suing its insurance company for rain damage Headline, Washington Post, May 25, 2019 --> © 2019 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest The “life size replica” of Noah's Ark floating atop 102 concrete pillars and $18 million in tax breaks © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Make-believe-you chatbots that converse with others after you're dead © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Man run over by lawn mower while trying to kill son with chainsaw headline, NewsChannel8, October 14, 2018 --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Man suing his parents for being born without consent tells This Morning viewers that being born is ‘kidnap and slavery’ Headline, The Sun, February 14, 2019 © 2019 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Many of his [Secretary of Health and Human Services Tom Price's] flights were between cities with frequent (and, of course, much less expensive) commercial flights. On one occasion he used a private plane to get to a conference in San Diego, where he railed against wasteful spending. That trip cost taxpayers $50,400. The Economist, September 30, 2017 © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Mattresses that send you email when they're being used and you're not home © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest The media is even more biased this year than ever before. You want the proof? Michelle Obama gives a speech and everyone loves it. It's fantastic. They think she's absolutely great. My wife Melania gives the exact same speech and people get on her case. And I don't get it. I don't know why. citation Donald Trump, plagiarizing cartoonist R.J. Matson's joke © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Milk Drinkers Are Turning to Powder citation newspaper headline quoted by David Boersema Philosophy Now, Dec. 2015/Jan. 2016 © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Mommy and daddy have been thinking and talking a lot about this. We have decided we are going to be running for president this year. That's it. Bobby Jindal, announcing 2016 presidential campaign via a video shot by a camera pointing down on him, his wife and three kids from a tree and then posted on Facebook © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Multinationals faking wokeness to attract liberal millenials © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest My father will make us all proud! Ivanka Trump © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest My phone needs a human assistant © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest NASA Denies That It's Running a Child Slave Colony on Mars — — — — — — — — — — — On Thursday, Alex Jones welcomed a guest to talk about how kidnapped children have been sent on a two-decade mission to space. NASA now denies the interplanetary conspiracy. headline, Daily Beast, June 29, 2017 © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest National parks to sell naming rights to corporations © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest No man is above the law, no man.  Neil Gorsuch, during his Senate confirmation hearing for appointment to the Supreme Court  --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Nobody believes in the First Amendment more than I do. citation Donald Trump © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Nose hair extensions © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Of course, it has to be led by a man, because it is a very challenging position. Akbar Al Baker, CEO of Qatar Airways, explaining why no woman could do his job --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest One of our attorneys is Jewish. We have very close friends that are Jewish, and rabbis, and we also fellowship with them. Roy Moore's wife, Kayla, rebutting charges that he's anti-Semitic © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest One of the things with the wall is, you need transparency. You have to be able to see through it. … I'll give you an example. As horrible as it sounds, when they throw the large sacks of drugs over, and if you have people on the other side of the wall, you don't see them – they hit you in the head with 60 pounds of stuff? It's over. As crazy as that sounds, you need transparency through that wall. Donald Trump, explaining why the Mexico border wall must be made from transparent materials © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest The Oral B Genius 9000, a smart toothbrush that uses your phone to watch you brush and congratulates you on your brushing if it's impressed © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Oxford Dictionary names the “tears of joy” emoji the 2015 “word of the year” © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Pasties for preventing men's nipples from showing through their shirts © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Peggy, the smart clothes pin that warns you of impending rain © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest People don't know this about Iraq but they have among the largest oil reserves in the world. Donald Trump --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest People having lip surgery to look better in their selfies © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Personally, I'd get rid of dumb and dumber, the Trump sons. … If they fell into a barrel of tits, they'd still come out sucking each other's thumbs. A British email prankster who corresponded with White House officials by pretending to be different members of Trump's team, in an email purportedly sent by Reince Priebus to Anthony Scaramucci about whom to fire © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest PHILANTHROPIC FUNDING SOUGHT for pursuing ideas and strategies that, in aggreagate, may represent our best hope for saving the planet. Classified advertisement, New York Review of Books, March 25, 2021 [email address not included above] --> © 2021 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Picture him chasing me around his hotel room in his tighty-whities. Stormy Daniels, asking a fellow porn star to  imagine her cavorting with Donald Trump after the friend declined his invitation to participate in a threesome © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Pizza crust made with 28 pigs in a blanket © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Pizza with cheddar cheese sauce on a soft pretzel dough crust © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest  The president is an incredible advocate of the First Amendment. Sarah Huckabee Sanders, getting the “incredible” part right when asked about Trump's call for the Senate Intelligence Committee to look into what he calls “fake news” broadcast he claims by NBC and other “Fake News Networks” © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest The President is not above the law. Trump v. United States --> © 2014 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Proud to have the Caisson Platoon, home of the army's oldest & most famous horse, “Black Jack,” take part in Inauguration Day 2017! Donald Trump, January 2, 2017, 14,491 days after Black Jack died  (February 6, 1976)  © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Reports of “Marcomentum” © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Republican Party leaders shrieking, “I am shocked, shocked to find racists flocking to us!” while pursuing a Southern Strategy based on racial resentment since the 1960s --> © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Robot-staffed hotels © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Saying, “Beat their plowshares into swords  and their pruning hooks into spears,” Trump proposes increasing the budget for military spending by $52.3 billion to facilitate killing foreigners and quelling domestic dissent An alternative fact [he tweeted, “A budget that puts #AmericaFirst must make safety its no. 1 priority—without safety there can be no prosperity.”] © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Saying budgets will be balanced by cracking down on tax avoiders and eliminating waste © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Saying companies can have religious beliefs  --> © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Saying “I'm an artisanal haberdasher” --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Saying, “Let them eat munitions,” Trump administration officials defend increasing military spending by $50+bn by eliminating or severely reducing anti-poverty programs, including programs providing after-school food aid to low-income kids and Meals on Wheels for seniors An alternative fact [White House Office of Management and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney said, “We can't spend money on programs just because they sound good” and reducing anti-poverty programs is “one of the most compassionate things we can do” because they are an onerous burden on taxpayers] © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Saying, “Nobody lives forever anyway,” Republicans, led by Paul Ryan, propose eliminating healthcare for the elderly, the poor and the sick An alternative fact [they proposed making it unaffordable  by anyone except the healthy wealthy, who'll get a big tax break to stay such]  © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest  Saying,  of the Trump administration, “John Kelly is the adult in the room” © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Saying “pre-owned" © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Saying “Soldiers of God” aren't motivated by religion © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest  Saying the world “needs” an untraceable means of tranferring money  © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Saying tidying up gives joy © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Saying, “Water's not just for drinking,” Republicans fulfill a campaign promise by passing the pro-polluter PIPSIS, The Piss in a Pond, Shit in a Stream Act of 2017 An alternative fact [they rescinded the Stream Protection Rule] © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest “Scholars” attend charter schools, “students” attend public schools  © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Skinny jeans, torn jeans © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest A smart tampon with a wire connected to a sensor clipped to your panties to determine whether it's time for a new one © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest So [said the doctor]. Now vee may perhaps to begin. Yes? Dr. Spielvogel, psychoanalyst, in Philip Roth's Portnoy's Complaint  © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest The Soil Health Division of the US Department of Agriculture National Resources Conservation Service forbids employees from using the term “climate change,” in the belief, apparently, that what you can't say can't hurt you © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Sologamy — marrying yourself © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Something is happening here But you don't know what it is Do you, Mister Jones? Said Mister Smith while watching a Bollywood film [from Bob Dylan's “Ballad of a Thin Man”] © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest “Suffer for fashion” © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest The Supreme Court must never be viewed as a partisan institution. The justices on the Supreme Court do not sit on opposite sides of an aisle. Brett Kavanaugh --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Temporary tattoos for adults © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest A Texas divorcée, not to be named here, underwent nine plastic surgeries to make herself look like Melania Trump, “the most beautiful woman” © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Texas is heeling fast thanks to all of the great men & women who have been working so hard. But still, so much to do. Will be back tomorrow!  Donald Trump, the guy who knows all the best words, 7:50 AM - 1 Sep 2017 [deleted and corrected at 8:58 AM] © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest That changes everything. He didn't say “shithole” – he said “shithouse.” Either way, Trump is being a complete asshouse who maybe, maybe, just maybe, doesn't belong in the White Hole. Stephen Colbert, commenting on reports Republicans are defending Trump by saying he called Haiti, El Salvador and African countries “shithouses,” not “shitholes.” The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, January 16, 2018 © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest There shall be but one fold Sign posted in a laundromat © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest This memo totally vindicates “Trump” in probe. Donald Trump, 6:40 AM - 3 Feb 2018, referring, apparently, to the character forced to submit to a colonoscopy as a public health measure in  Gibbon Ape's best-selling bodice-ripper, The Decline and Fall of the American Empire --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest To me it doesn't make sense that somebody spends $250 million on a boat where they spend eight weeks a year, but they're living in a $30 or $40 million house. citation Bruce Makowsky, developer of a $250 million, 38,000-square-foot, 12-bedroom, 21-bathroom spec house featuring $30 million worth of cars and motorcyles, elevators lined with crocodile skin, a seven-person full-time staff, and 125 art installations. Quoted in Wall Street Journal, Jan. 20, 2017 © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Tomorrow is the anniversay of the D-Day invasion. We obviously have a very long history with the government of Germany, and we have a strong relationship with the government of Germany.  Heather Nauert, June 5, 2018, State Department spokesperson,  invoking D-Day in reaffirming the strength  of US-Germany relations after the US envoy to Germany made remarks that angered many Germans --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest !!  Trigger warnings  !! © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Trump can dish it out and take it too © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Trump Family Wedding Planner to Head New York's Federal Housing Office headline, New York Times, June 16, 2017, announcing the appointment of Lynne Patton, longtime Trump family associate and planner of its golf tournaments and Eric's wedding, to head the New York and New Jersey office of the Department of Housing and Urban Development © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Trump International Hotel Washington DC has made a “hefty profit” since Trump took office. Who'd've ever thunk it?  © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Trump plays the Rolling Stones' “You Can't Always Get What You Want” before officially introducing Mike Pence as his running mate © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Trump, speaking about claims of sexual harassment “I believe the women” © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Trump trademarked a party game: Pin the Task on a Kushner  © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest TRUST + TED = TRUSTED Ted Cruz 2016 campaign slogan © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Under-the-desk hammocks for napping at work © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest United Airlines Put Out a Cookbook so You Can Eat Airplane Food at Home headline, Travel+Leisure magazine, December 29, 2018 © 2019 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Unlike you and unlike the media, before I make a statement, I like to know the facts.  Donald Trump, addressing reporters about the Charlotteville, Virginia, riot © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Walking like a fashion model, crossing one foot in front of the other © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Watch your head © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest The water from the tap just doesn't taste quite as refreshing. Now is that because I saw it come off the roof, and anything from the roof feels special? Maybe. Skip Battle, anti-tap-, pro-raw- water guy who drinks water fed into his stone garden from water collection panels installed on his roof © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest We are lucky we have a president who can focus. citation Rudy Giuliani on Donald Trump © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest We know the only way to reimagine our government is to reimagine who is leading it. I'm Carly Fiorina and I'm running for president. Carly Fiorina, announcing 2016 presidential campaign © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest We need to have strength and decision-making and authority back in the Oval office and that is why today I am proud to announce my candidacy for the Republican nomination for president of the United States of America. Chris Christie, announcing 2016 presidential campaign © 2015 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest We're in this bizarre position where we're defending the civil liberties of the country against the government. I mean, I never expected to be in this position. Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, on refusing the FBI's request for assistance in investigating terrorism © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest We remember those suffering under the yolk of authoritarianism and extremism From President Trump's proclamation declaring December 10, 2017, as Human Rights Day © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest A wealthy older couple from New York buy a ranch in Montana, where they set up a home befitting them, including a butler and other staff. Before leaving for the morning, they tell the butler, “The Cohens are coming for brunch at noon. Please have the table set for four.” When they return, they notice the table had been set for eight. “What happened?,” they ask. “Mrs. Cohen called,” said the butler. “She said she's bringing the Bagels and the Bialys.” © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Wearing mismatched earrings intentionally © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest What's better? Nothing. advertising tagline for 20th season of Big Brother,  a TV show --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest When he was recently asked why most New Jersey residents didn't want him to be president, Mr. Christie said it was likely because they wanted him to remain governor. Wall Street Journal, July 1, 2015, which also noted Christie's 30% approval rating as governor © 2015 Kwiple.com
z Surely you jest While art collections have long graced great rooms and hallways, some luxury homeowners display cherished pieces in bathrooms. Art lovers say they like the jewel-box effect when vibrant art is featured in small spaces. Wall Street Journal, December 9, 2016, on the best place for a $110,000 Damien Hirst depiction of a diamond-encrusted skull, according to its owners © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest Work's started on Trump's Mex big thing  © 2017 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest You Can't Go Home Again Notice sent to residents of Trump Tower by the NYPD © 2016 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest You can’t make this crap up. George Santos, commenting on the four days it took Republicans to elect Kevin McCarthy Speaker of the House --> © 2023 Kwiple.com
Surely you jest You think you're having a hard time – I've got $5 million worth of negative ads coming at me. How do you think I'm feeling? Nothing's easy. For anybody. You think I'm a congressman, ‘Oh, life's easy, this guy's off having steaks every day.’ Baloney. I've got a daughter, she's got to deal with that crap on TV every day. So it's tough. No one out there's got some easy life. Right? Dave Brat, Virginia Republican, at a listening session for inmates with substance abuse problems  --> © 2018 Kwiple.com
 
Trumpists say It's fun to blow stuff up. It's fun to shoot guns.  And it's fun to say ridiculous offensive shit. And if it offends you, so what? I don't care about your feelings and how you feel about words. Sorry! Barry Croft, wannabe kidnapper of Gretchen Whitmer © 2024 Kwiple.com